Mark Twain’s “Chapters from My Autobiography,” Part 1 of 25
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Private History of the ‘Jumping Frog’ Story
The interesting question is, did the frog episode happen in Angel’s Camp in the spring of ‘49, as told in my hearing that day in the fall of 1865? I am perfectly sure that it did. I am also sure that its duplicate happened in Boeotia a couple of thousand years ago.
My First Lie, and How I Got Out of It
I do not remember my first lie, it is too far back; but I remember my second one very well. I was nine days old at the time, and had noticed that if a pin was sticking in me and I advertised it in the usual fashion, I was lovingly petted and coddled and pitied in a most agreeable way and got a ration between meals besides.
Roughing It: Chapter 57
Roughing It: Chapter 57
California—Novelty of Seeing a Woman—”Well if it ain’t a Child!”—One Hundred and Fifty Dollars for a Kiss—Waiting for a turn
It was in this Sacramento Valley, just referred to, that a deal of the most lucrative of the early gold mining was done, and you may still see, in places, its grassy slopes [...]
Roughing It: Chapter 58
Roughing It: Chapter 58
Life in San Francisco—Worthless Stocks—My First Earthquake—Reportorial Instincts—Effects of the Shocks—Incidents and Curiosities—Sabbath Breakers—The Lodger and the Chambermaid—A Sensible Fashion to Follow—Effects of the Earthquake on the Ministers
For a few months I enjoyed what to me was an entirely new phase of existence—a butterfly idleness; nothing to do, nobody to be responsible [...]
Roughing It: Chapter 59
Roughing It: Chapter 59
Poor Again—Slinking as a Business—A Model Collector—Misery loves Company—Comparing Notes for Comfort—A Streak of Luck—Finding a Dime—Wealthy by Comparison—Two Sumptuous Dinners
For a time I wrote literary screeds for the Golden Era. C. H. Webb had established a very excellent literary weekly called the Californian, but high merit was no guaranty of success; [...]
Does the Race of Man Love a Lord?
“Rank holds its court and receives its homage on every round of the ladder, from the emperor down to the rat-catcher; and distinction, also, exists on every round of the ladder, and commands its due of deference and envy.”
Portrait of King William III
I never can look at those periodical portraits in THE GALAXY magazine without feeling a wild, tempestuous ambition to be an artist. I have seen thousands and thousands of pictures in my time—acres of them here and leagues of them in the galleries of Europe—but never any that moved me as these portraits do.
The Danger of Lying in Bed
A Short Essay by Mark Twain
The man in the ticket-office said:
“Have an accident insurance ticket, also?”
“No,” I said, after studying the matter over a little. “No, I believe not; I am going to be traveling by rail all day today. However, tomorrow I don’t travel. Give me one for tomorrow.”
The man looked puzzled. He said:
“But [...]
Post-Mortem Poetry
In Philadelphia they have a custom which it would be pleasant to see adopted throughout the land. It is that of appending to published death-notices a little verse or two of comforting poetry.
Advice to Little Girls
“Good little girls ought not to make mouths at their teachers for every trifling offense. This retaliation should only be resorted to under peculiarly aggravated circumstances.”
Introduction to the “New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English”
I am sure I should not find it difficult “to enjoy well so much several languages”—or even a thousand of them—if he did the translating for me from the originals into his ostensible English.
A Humane Word from Satan
“The following letter, signed by Satan and purporting to come from him, we have reason to believe was not written by him, but by Mark Twain.” — Introductory remark from the Editor, Harper’s Weekly
