A speech delivered at the Anniversary Festival of the Scottish Corporation of London in 1872
The Life of Mark Twain
SAMUEL LANGHORNE CLEMENS, for nearly half a century known and celebrated as “Mark Twain,” was born in Florida, Missouri, on November 30, 1835. He was one of the foremost American philosophers of his day; he was the world’s most famous humorist of any day. During the later years of his life he ranked not only as America’s chief man of letters, but likewise as her best known and best loved citizen.
Animals and Man’s Vanity
“It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.”
Mark Twain: Encyclopedia Britannica Entry, 1911
“Mark Twain” Entry from the Encyclopedia Britannica, 1911 Edition.
Does the Race of Man Love a Lord?
“Rank holds its court and receives its homage on every round of the ladder, from the emperor down to the rat-catcher; and distinction, also, exists on every round of the ladder, and commands its due of deference and envy.”
Portrait of King William III
I never can look at those periodical portraits in THE GALAXY magazine without feeling a wild, tempestuous ambition to be an artist. I have seen thousands and thousands of pictures in my time—acres of them here and leagues of them in the galleries of Europe—but never any that moved me as these portraits do.
The Danger of Lying in Bed
A Short Essay by Mark Twain
The man in the ticket-office said:
“Have an accident insurance ticket, also?”
“No,” I said, after studying the matter over a little. “No, I believe not; I am going to be traveling by rail all day today. However, tomorrow I don’t travel. Give me one for tomorrow.”
The man looked puzzled. He said:
“But [...]
Post-Mortem Poetry
In Philadelphia they have a custom which it would be pleasant to see adopted throughout the land. It is that of appending to published death-notices a little verse or two of comforting poetry.
Advice to Little Girls
“Good little girls ought not to make mouths at their teachers for every trifling offense. This retaliation should only be resorted to under peculiarly aggravated circumstances.”
Introduction to the “New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English”
I am sure I should not find it difficult “to enjoy well so much several languages”—or even a thousand of them—if he did the translating for me from the originals into his ostensible English.
A Humane Word from Satan
“The following letter, signed by Satan and purporting to come from him, we have reason to believe was not written by him, but by Mark Twain.” — Introductory remark from the Editor, Harper’s Weekly
A Monument to Adam
In the beginning—as a detail of the project when it was yet a joke—I had framed a humble and beseeching and perfervid petition to Congress begging the government to built the monument, as a testimony of the Great Republic’s gratitude to the Father of the Human Race and as a token of her loyalty to him in this dark day of humiliation when his older children were doubting and deserting him…
Amended Obituaries
“Of necessity, an Obituary is a thing which cannot be so judiciously edited by any hand as by that of the subject of it.”
A Letter to the Secretary of the Treasury
Riverdale-on-the-Hudson, OCTOBER 15, 1902. THE HON. THE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY, WASHINGTON, D. C.:
Sir,—Prices for the customary kinds of winter fuel having reached an altitude which puts them out of the reach of literary persons in straitened circumstances, I desire to place with you the following order…
An Entertaining Article
by Mark Twain
I take the following paragraph from an article in the Boston ADVERTISER:
AN ENGLISH CRITIC ON MARK TWAIN
Perhaps the most successful flights of humor of Mark Twain have been descriptions of the persons who did not appreciate his humor at all. We have become familiar with the Californians who were thrilled with terror by [...]
Wit Inspirations of the “Two-Year-Olds”
Wit Inspirations of the “Two-Year-Olds”
All infants appear to have an impertinent and disagreeable fashion nowadays of saying “smart” things on most occasions that offer, and especially on occasions when they ought not to be saying anything at all. Judging by the average published specimens of smart sayings, the rising generation of children are little better [...]
General Washington’s Negro Body-Servant
George, the favorite body-servant of the lamented Washington, died in Richmond, Va., last Tuesday, at the ripe age of 95 years.
Italian With Grammar
I found that a person of large intelligence could read this beautiful language with considerable facility without a dictionary, but I presently found that…
Italian Without a Master
It is almost a fortnight now that I am domiciled in a medieval villa in the country, a mile or two from Florence. I cannot speak the language; I am too old…
The First Writing-Machines
The First Writing-Machines
From My Unpublished Autobiography
Some days ago a correspondent sent in an old typewritten sheet, faded by age, containing the following letter over the signature of Mark Twain:
“Hartford, March 10, 1875.
“Please do not use my name in any way. Please do not even divulge that fact that I own a machine. I have entirely [...]
Edward Mills and George Benton: A Tale
The complete text of “Edward Mills and George Benton” by Mark Twain.
A Telephonic Conversation
A man delivers a single brutal “Good-by,” and that is the end of it. Not so with the gentle sex—I say it in their praise; they cannot abide abruptness.
A Helpless Situation
“I say to myself, “I have seen you a thousand times, you always look the same way, yet you are always a wonder, and you are always impossible; to contrive you is clearly beyond human genius—you can’t exist, you don’t exist, yet here you are!”
